Friday, May 25, 2012

Friday-Monday blues

Some days it feels like every day is a long bad monday for me.   When something in the house is off, and by something , I mean my spouse, everything else is harder to deal with. I feel the disapproval and dislike rolling off him in waves and it makes me feel like crap frankly. Right now, he is cranky because he imagines "I" spent all "his" money. For mother's day he gave me two nights in a hotel, kid free. That didn't happen. I ended up going one night, with our oldest daughter and doing american grocery shopping, etc instead.    Never mind that the trip was his idea, and the stuff I got was for him and the kids, and the groceries. Yes, I spent money on me, but he told me to buy new shoes. I spent almost 2x as much on him, on the things he wanted, but he has the nerve to say "what did you do with all my money!" Since then he's been sulky and cold. I'm not really interested in putting up with that.  I think I've reached an age in my life where I don't need to put up with sulky immature behaviour. Haven't I?
It alarms me that the second there is tension in our marriage (which is all the time lately it seems like), but the second it's there I just feel like leaving. I really don't feel like putting up with it anymore.   I hate when he's like a grumpy raincloud hovering in the house and raining on all activities. It makes our lives so much harder and I start to ask myself if I shouldn't leave. Should I leave? Maybe. Do I have a way to do it without causing him a ton of financial difficulty? No, I don't. Which doesn't seem fair to me.  I tell myself, just a few more years and then I will go. After the youngest is in school. But it seems so far away when the days are clicking by and I feel like a worthless leech with no value. Don't get me wrong, that is all he said, then he stomped away without waiting for a response,and when I attempted to say something, he just said,  Drop it, and sulked off to bed.
But I've gotten so low right now that to be honest it would be easier to just lay in bed and not bother with life. The most immature thing of all, is that usually when he leaves for work, it's "love you have a good day." Last two days, nothing, just have a good day.  Oh yes really mature. Withdrawing love for money. The stupidest thing is, the money is mostly just in another account, but he didn't listen long enough for me to tell him that.
Being married is hard.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Not waking up awesome.

I read a blog post yesterday about being awesome. I'm sure you all know the one I'm talking about, it's being circulated pretty well everywhere
It's tres inspirational, and frankly really nice.
My daughter wakes up the way every day. She is a perpetual sunshine. I'm not sure if we are even really related.  It must be amazing to wake up happy all the time, and know that the day is full of adventure and excitement.
 I don't remember that feeling. I don't remember ever having that feeling. I was bullied from such a young age that honestly I can't recall any awesome mornings once I entered the educational system.    Unfortunately, lately, every morning before I even wake up, my brain says to me, hey loser pants, what are you doing? Get up, and stop being I can't even write the words my head tells me, and incidentally I even dream of how non-awesome I am.  Sigh. it is one of those days and I'm trying to shake it off so i can go about the job of being a mom, without sucking the awesome out of my children.