There are so many things I could blog about, but one topic that drives me nuts, and unfortunately drives up my blood pressure, is people who pretend to be something they are not.
The absolute fake facade irritates me. As an example, I know one person who professes to be enlightened and embracing a gentle loving lifestyle, including blogging about it, and making a job out of it. And yet she is brutally vicious and mean, making up lies about people to keep them apart and to place her in the advantage position. I don't really understand how you can be beautiful on the surface and so dark and unpleasant and selfish on the inside. She is not the only person I know like that, but in this case, this person attempted to wreck my life. I'm not pretty. She is. I'm not fancy because I give every penny i get and put it toward caring for my children. She has 300 dollar hair cuts and looks gorgeous. It's easy in our society to choose the pretty package over the dumpy frump when it comes times to decide who to believe. It completely saddens me that so many people in our society are so naive and willing to just take things at face value.
And then it saddens me that people need to guard themselves against such abusers of trust and honesty. Why can't people just be honest? Or truthful? it would be a lot easier if everyone looked the way they acted wouldn't it?
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Friday-Monday blues
Some days it feels like every day is a long bad monday for me. When something in the house is off, and by something , I mean my spouse, everything else is harder to deal with. I feel the disapproval and dislike rolling off him in waves and it makes me feel like crap frankly. Right now, he is cranky because he imagines "I" spent all "his" money. For mother's day he gave me two nights in a hotel, kid free. That didn't happen. I ended up going one night, with our oldest daughter and doing american grocery shopping, etc instead. Never mind that the trip was his idea, and the stuff I got was for him and the kids, and the groceries. Yes, I spent money on me, but he told me to buy new shoes. I spent almost 2x as much on him, on the things he wanted, but he has the nerve to say "what did you do with all my money!" Since then he's been sulky and cold. I'm not really interested in putting up with that. I think I've reached an age in my life where I don't need to put up with sulky immature behaviour. Haven't I?
It alarms me that the second there is tension in our marriage (which is all the time lately it seems like), but the second it's there I just feel like leaving. I really don't feel like putting up with it anymore. I hate when he's like a grumpy raincloud hovering in the house and raining on all activities. It makes our lives so much harder and I start to ask myself if I shouldn't leave. Should I leave? Maybe. Do I have a way to do it without causing him a ton of financial difficulty? No, I don't. Which doesn't seem fair to me. I tell myself, just a few more years and then I will go. After the youngest is in school. But it seems so far away when the days are clicking by and I feel like a worthless leech with no value. Don't get me wrong, that is all he said, then he stomped away without waiting for a response,and when I attempted to say something, he just said, Drop it, and sulked off to bed.
But I've gotten so low right now that to be honest it would be easier to just lay in bed and not bother with life. The most immature thing of all, is that usually when he leaves for work, it's "love you have a good day." Last two days, nothing, just have a good day. Oh yes really mature. Withdrawing love for money. The stupidest thing is, the money is mostly just in another account, but he didn't listen long enough for me to tell him that.
Being married is hard.
It alarms me that the second there is tension in our marriage (which is all the time lately it seems like), but the second it's there I just feel like leaving. I really don't feel like putting up with it anymore. I hate when he's like a grumpy raincloud hovering in the house and raining on all activities. It makes our lives so much harder and I start to ask myself if I shouldn't leave. Should I leave? Maybe. Do I have a way to do it without causing him a ton of financial difficulty? No, I don't. Which doesn't seem fair to me. I tell myself, just a few more years and then I will go. After the youngest is in school. But it seems so far away when the days are clicking by and I feel like a worthless leech with no value. Don't get me wrong, that is all he said, then he stomped away without waiting for a response,and when I attempted to say something, he just said, Drop it, and sulked off to bed.
But I've gotten so low right now that to be honest it would be easier to just lay in bed and not bother with life. The most immature thing of all, is that usually when he leaves for work, it's "love you have a good day." Last two days, nothing, just have a good day. Oh yes really mature. Withdrawing love for money. The stupidest thing is, the money is mostly just in another account, but he didn't listen long enough for me to tell him that.
Being married is hard.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Not waking up awesome.
I read a blog post yesterday about being awesome. I'm sure you all know the one I'm talking about, it's being circulated pretty well everywhere http://blog.pigtailpals.com/2011/08/waking-up-full-of-awesome/
It's tres inspirational, and frankly really nice.
My daughter wakes up the way every day. She is a perpetual sunshine. I'm not sure if we are even really related. It must be amazing to wake up happy all the time, and know that the day is full of adventure and excitement.
I don't remember that feeling. I don't remember ever having that feeling. I was bullied from such a young age that honestly I can't recall any awesome mornings once I entered the educational system. Unfortunately, lately, every morning before I even wake up, my brain says to me, hey loser pants, what are you doing? Get up, and stop being so...you. I can't even write the words my head tells me, and incidentally I even dream of how non-awesome I am. Sigh. it is one of those days and I'm trying to shake it off so i can go about the job of being a mom, without sucking the awesome out of my children.
It's tres inspirational, and frankly really nice.
My daughter wakes up the way every day. She is a perpetual sunshine. I'm not sure if we are even really related. It must be amazing to wake up happy all the time, and know that the day is full of adventure and excitement.
I don't remember that feeling. I don't remember ever having that feeling. I was bullied from such a young age that honestly I can't recall any awesome mornings once I entered the educational system. Unfortunately, lately, every morning before I even wake up, my brain says to me, hey loser pants, what are you doing? Get up, and stop being so...you. I can't even write the words my head tells me, and incidentally I even dream of how non-awesome I am. Sigh. it is one of those days and I'm trying to shake it off so i can go about the job of being a mom, without sucking the awesome out of my children.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Today is a sunny day at the end of over a week of less than stellar occurences in my life.
Right this second there is a child standing on the chair I'm sitting on pretending to eat sparkles from the air, which sadly are likely dust motes.
As always, I'm only a few sentences in and already miles off topic. I found this cool old cookbook/yearbook put out in 1912 by a company called Nyal's. They clearly put it out as a promo to try and sell their own products, but looking through it is a total peek into Canada's past in many ways. Other than the fact that it lists the weather predictions for the year, by month, the horoscopes, and a bunch of things like measure conversions for baking etc- it also lists Canadian facts as they were then - Canada had the largest buffalo herd on the continent. Gooo Canada!
There were some interesting "Household Hints" as well. For example
In buying fish, the gills should be red.
Corns promptly removed by Nyal's corn remover. 25c a bottle.
Sprinkle places infested by ants with borax and you will soon be rid of them.
(modern version. give the kids a shoe. environmentally friendly...)
A true test for eggs is to drop them in water, and if they long end comes up , they are fresh.
Paint stains that are dry and old may be removed from cotton or woollen goods with chloroform. It is a good plan to first cover the spot with olive oil or butter. (well geez I need to get down to the kidnapper store and get myself some chloroform! I didn't even know people could buy that.)
When a broom becomes shorter on one side, and the ends of the straws become sharp as needles, dip it into hot water, trim it neatly and evently with the shears, and you will find a broom nearly as good as new.
That's all I have for right now- though the book is chock full of interesting ideas. I'll have to post later on the benefits of ironing lice off of your hair and stuff. Good times to be had there for sure!
Right this second there is a child standing on the chair I'm sitting on pretending to eat sparkles from the air, which sadly are likely dust motes.
As always, I'm only a few sentences in and already miles off topic. I found this cool old cookbook/yearbook put out in 1912 by a company called Nyal's. They clearly put it out as a promo to try and sell their own products, but looking through it is a total peek into Canada's past in many ways. Other than the fact that it lists the weather predictions for the year, by month, the horoscopes, and a bunch of things like measure conversions for baking etc- it also lists Canadian facts as they were then - Canada had the largest buffalo herd on the continent. Gooo Canada!
There were some interesting "Household Hints" as well. For example
In buying fish, the gills should be red.
Corns promptly removed by Nyal's corn remover. 25c a bottle.
Sprinkle places infested by ants with borax and you will soon be rid of them.
(modern version. give the kids a shoe. environmentally friendly...)
A true test for eggs is to drop them in water, and if they long end comes up , they are fresh.
Paint stains that are dry and old may be removed from cotton or woollen goods with chloroform. It is a good plan to first cover the spot with olive oil or butter. (well geez I need to get down to the kidnapper store and get myself some chloroform! I didn't even know people could buy that.)
When a broom becomes shorter on one side, and the ends of the straws become sharp as needles, dip it into hot water, trim it neatly and evently with the shears, and you will find a broom nearly as good as new.
That's all I have for right now- though the book is chock full of interesting ideas. I'll have to post later on the benefits of ironing lice off of your hair and stuff. Good times to be had there for sure!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
March 18 2012
So March came in like a lion in Southern Ontario. Snow, the worst snow we'd had all winter actually, and it was chilly! On Friday March 9th it was so snowy that I was driving unable to see the car in the lane next to me while passing through the city of Guelph. By Monday the 12th, that bit of snow was melted. Friday the 16th, hot and sunny, and my lawn is even dry enough for the kids to play. Today, Sunday, it was 91 degrees at one point on my outdoor thermometer. My husband is making comments about turning on the air conditioner. It is March! I can't remember a March quite this nice...ever. And I also don't recall ever being this sick either. All march break the kids and I were sick, and I'm still not better. Combined flu, and horrible cough thing. blech!
On a much less pleasant note. My mother -in-law's health had been rapidly deteriorating these last few months,and I'm glad we managed to get down there a few times this past summer, fall and winter to enable the kids to say goodbye. She passed away in her sleep Saturday morning, St Patrick's day-I think she might have liked that, a special day of the year to remember her on, and exactly one month after her birthday. And I'm glad we were there to celebrate that with her too. (Her birthday).
I baked a three tiered cake, that's like 7 cakes worth of cake in there. Fondant, pinks, greens, a cupcake shoe on top. I really hope she liked it, and understood the hours of work I put into that to try to make her feel special.
I certainly have never done that for my own mom, or aunt who is like a mom. I guess maybe I should.
On a much less pleasant note. My mother -in-law's health had been rapidly deteriorating these last few months,and I'm glad we managed to get down there a few times this past summer, fall and winter to enable the kids to say goodbye. She passed away in her sleep Saturday morning, St Patrick's day-I think she might have liked that, a special day of the year to remember her on, and exactly one month after her birthday. And I'm glad we were there to celebrate that with her too. (Her birthday).
I baked a three tiered cake, that's like 7 cakes worth of cake in there. Fondant, pinks, greens, a cupcake shoe on top. I really hope she liked it, and understood the hours of work I put into that to try to make her feel special.
I certainly have never done that for my own mom, or aunt who is like a mom. I guess maybe I should.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Snow painting
This winter has been a shockingly skimpy snow year for us where we live. And I'm not complaining. it also was fairly warm overall this winter. A handful of days where the windchill made the kids cry, that's it.
But... with not much snow, there is not much for the kids to do outside. The ground alternates between mushy and muddy to frozen and filled with sharp ice. When we got a nice fresh snow cover the other day, followed by only mildly chilly weather, I sent the kids out to play, only to watch them slip on the barely covered ice yard, and not be able to roll up a decent snow ball even. I decided to let them get a little artistic, and paint the yard.
I'd done this before with my older kids, and have once done it during a party where it was so cold the "paint" was freezing before they could even squeeze it out. They had a blast though!
This time I had only two empty bottles that were squeezable, so I poked some holes in the lids, filled them with water and a few drops of food colouring. My little two loved it! They came back for a refill so many times that we ran out of liquid food colouring, as we used up a box of 4 colours-which I don't think I'd even opened before that. It's good relatively clean fun! And if it's cold enough out, the water freezes and any food colouring that gets on their clothes can be brushed off pretty quickly.
But... with not much snow, there is not much for the kids to do outside. The ground alternates between mushy and muddy to frozen and filled with sharp ice. When we got a nice fresh snow cover the other day, followed by only mildly chilly weather, I sent the kids out to play, only to watch them slip on the barely covered ice yard, and not be able to roll up a decent snow ball even. I decided to let them get a little artistic, and paint the yard.
I'd done this before with my older kids, and have once done it during a party where it was so cold the "paint" was freezing before they could even squeeze it out. They had a blast though!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Parenting a success when you're a failure...
In the terms of society, I am a failure. Anything I try to do doesn't work. A few business ventures I have attempted in the past didn't work out. Too soon, too late, whatever. I was clueless as a child- as an example, I never heard of soccer until I was in university. I didn't know people with kids could live in apartments. I lived in a rural place and seriously this was before satellite TV and internet, it was before computers even.For a rural kid, there was not another way to get information really. I didn't even know that moms could work full time. Unless they were divorced. All the moms I knew pretty much worked p/t if at all, because who has time to work when you are running a farm and raising 4 kids? My dad used to get back from the city around 6:30 at night , often later. His attentions were not focused on teaching me the ways of the world. There is always stuff to be done on a farm, and once my brother started hockey, my dad coached that in the winter and baseball in the summer.
As a whole, I am not a successful adult. I got pregnant in University, where I only ended up by chance and I didn't even really understand the options available to me. It's hard to believe, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only kid out there in my generation who had no idea the plethora of educational opportunities available at university. I met someone taking B-Ed and I remember the slow dawning in my brain, like wow,you go to University to become a teacher? I felt so stupid. But ...anyway, I have a BA, Honours at that, in a program that only accepted 25 or so kids so I guess that's pretty alright. Impractical, but better than nothing.
I worked two jobs while pregnant and finishing school, for as long as I could , but quit the one when I realized around that the chemicals might not be great for the baby. (again, no internet existed, there were not a lot of ways to look up information outside of what was provided by the Dr or the library.).
Luckily I was an avid reader from age 5 on, and have learned a lot from books, otherwise I wouldn't even be a functioning adult I'm sure of that.
How will I be able to raise my kids to be able to be adults, with jobs and friends and a happy life?.
I have done my best to encourage them toward real jobs in the real world. Starting early discussing possibilities, pointing out different jobs as we encounter them, or even those we don't- marine biologist, genetic engineer, teacher, manager, so many job possibilities out there. Things I never dreamed existed.
I am smart, don't get me wrong- Testing wise anyway.I left high school with a very solid A average (nearing an A+ if it weren't for math dragging my average down.) I am well read. Classics, new stuff, whatever, I read it all, always have. Ok, so I haven't read Stephen Hawkings -brief history of time, nor the Briefer history of time, because I just haven't yet. Have you?
My concerns are many for my children. The world has changed so rapidly in the last 20 short years. It's hard to believe, but 30-31 years ago we didn't even own a VCR, and a non 8track tape deck was a big deal still. Prices have skyrocketed out of control, compared to incomes.
How can I prepare the kids for life in this world that spins and changes with such speed that I can barely hold onto it myself? What will their lives be like in 5-10 years ? Am I preparing them for jobs that will be of no value? Right now my son wants to pursue computer science as a University major, or a math related opportunity. My daughter is toying with environmental sciences, planning, etc. (Even now I don't truly understand the opportunities I am attempting to position my kids for! ) We can't afford expensive music lessons or camps. Most days we can barely afford milk to be honest. I just don't know how I can make my kids a success in life -and by this I don't mean a CEO, I just mean successfully happy, and able to be self sufficient and have a treat like a trip or new shoes now and then.
If I could go back and do it again, I would. I'd have to go pretty far back, but I think to give my kids a stronger chance for a good future, I'd do it.
As a whole, I am not a successful adult. I got pregnant in University, where I only ended up by chance and I didn't even really understand the options available to me. It's hard to believe, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only kid out there in my generation who had no idea the plethora of educational opportunities available at university. I met someone taking B-Ed and I remember the slow dawning in my brain, like wow,you go to University to become a teacher? I felt so stupid. But ...anyway, I have a BA, Honours at that, in a program that only accepted 25 or so kids so I guess that's pretty alright. Impractical, but better than nothing.
I worked two jobs while pregnant and finishing school, for as long as I could , but quit the one when I realized around that the chemicals might not be great for the baby. (again, no internet existed, there were not a lot of ways to look up information outside of what was provided by the Dr or the library.).
Luckily I was an avid reader from age 5 on, and have learned a lot from books, otherwise I wouldn't even be a functioning adult I'm sure of that.
How will I be able to raise my kids to be able to be adults, with jobs and friends and a happy life?.
I have done my best to encourage them toward real jobs in the real world. Starting early discussing possibilities, pointing out different jobs as we encounter them, or even those we don't- marine biologist, genetic engineer, teacher, manager, so many job possibilities out there. Things I never dreamed existed.
I am smart, don't get me wrong- Testing wise anyway.I left high school with a very solid A average (nearing an A+ if it weren't for math dragging my average down.) I am well read. Classics, new stuff, whatever, I read it all, always have. Ok, so I haven't read Stephen Hawkings -brief history of time, nor the Briefer history of time, because I just haven't yet. Have you?
My concerns are many for my children. The world has changed so rapidly in the last 20 short years. It's hard to believe, but 30-31 years ago we didn't even own a VCR, and a non 8track tape deck was a big deal still. Prices have skyrocketed out of control, compared to incomes.
How can I prepare the kids for life in this world that spins and changes with such speed that I can barely hold onto it myself? What will their lives be like in 5-10 years ? Am I preparing them for jobs that will be of no value? Right now my son wants to pursue computer science as a University major, or a math related opportunity. My daughter is toying with environmental sciences, planning, etc. (Even now I don't truly understand the opportunities I am attempting to position my kids for! ) We can't afford expensive music lessons or camps. Most days we can barely afford milk to be honest. I just don't know how I can make my kids a success in life -and by this I don't mean a CEO, I just mean successfully happy, and able to be self sufficient and have a treat like a trip or new shoes now and then.
If I could go back and do it again, I would. I'd have to go pretty far back, but I think to give my kids a stronger chance for a good future, I'd do it.
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