Parenting a success when you're a failure...

In the terms of society, I am a failure. Anything I try to do doesn't work. A few business ventures I have attempted in the past didn't work out. Too soon, too late, whatever. I was clueless as a child- as an example, I never heard of soccer until I was in university. I didn't know people with kids could live in apartments. I lived in a rural place and  seriously this was before satellite TV and internet, it was before computers even.For a rural kid, there was not another way to get information really. I didn't even know that moms could work full time. Unless they were divorced. All the moms I knew pretty much worked p/t if at all, because who has time to work when you are running a farm and raising 4 kids? My dad used to get back from the city around 6:30 at night , often later. His attentions were not focused on teaching me the ways of the world. There is always stuff to be done on a farm, and once my brother started hockey, my dad coached that in the winter and baseball in the summer.
As a whole, I am not a successful adult. I got pregnant in University, where I only ended up by chance and I didn't even really understand the options available to me. It's hard to believe, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only kid out there in my generation who had no idea the plethora of educational opportunities available at university. I met someone taking B-Ed and I remember the slow dawning in my brain, like wow,you go to University to become a teacher? I felt so stupid.  But ...anyway, I have a BA, Honours at that, in a program that only accepted 25 or so kids so I guess that's pretty alright. Impractical, but better than nothing.
I worked two jobs while pregnant and finishing school, for as long as I could , but quit the one when I realized around  that the chemicals might not be great for the baby. (again, no internet existed, there were not a lot of ways to look up information outside of what was provided by the Dr or the library.).
Luckily I was an avid reader from age 5 on, and have learned a lot from books, otherwise I wouldn't even be a functioning adult I'm sure of that.
How will I be able to raise my kids to be able to be adults, with jobs and friends and a happy life?.
I have done my best to encourage them toward real jobs in the real world. Starting early discussing possibilities, pointing out different jobs as we encounter them, or even those we don't- marine biologist, genetic engineer, teacher, manager, so many job possibilities out there. Things I never dreamed existed.
I am smart, don't get me wrong- Testing wise anyway.I left high school with a very solid A average (nearing an A+ if it weren't for math dragging my average down.) I am well read. Classics, new stuff, whatever, I read it all, always have. Ok, so I haven't read Stephen Hawkings -brief history of time, nor the Briefer history of time, because I just haven't yet. Have you?
My concerns are many for my children. The world has changed so rapidly in the last 20 short years. It's hard to believe, but 30-31 years ago we didn't even own a VCR, and a non 8track tape deck was a big deal still. Prices have skyrocketed out of control, compared to incomes.
How can I prepare the kids for life in this world that spins and changes with such speed that I can barely hold onto it myself? What will their lives be like in 5-10 years ? Am I preparing them for jobs that will be of no value? Right now my son wants to pursue computer science as a University major, or a math related opportunity. My daughter is toying with environmental sciences, planning, etc. (Even now I don't truly understand the opportunities I am attempting to position my kids for! )  We can't afford expensive music lessons or camps. Most days we can barely afford milk to be honest. I just don't know how I can make my kids a success in life -and by this I don't mean a CEO, I just mean successfully happy, and able to be self sufficient and have a treat  like a trip or new shoes now and then.
If I could go back and do it again, I would. I'd have to go pretty far back, but I think to give my kids a stronger chance for a good future, I'd do it.  

10 words to describe parenthood (to start)

Lately I've been  reading blogs about parenting, and insightful, inspiring and well written. I don't feel like my thoughts on parenting will ever be expressed that eloquently. Or in some cases their words cause uproar, outrage or outpouring of sentiment. 

Rather than a long essay on parenthood, and it's ups and downs, I'm just going to jot down the first 10 words that come to mind and describe parenthood in some way! I have a toddler, two teens and an sk, so  that gives you an idea where my parenting experiences are coming from!

1.Bittersweet

2.Poignant

3.Exciting

4.Exhausting

5.Challenging

6.Rewarding

7.Amazing

8.Educational

9.Frustrating

10.Incredible

Sometimes I have ideas for posts and by the time I get to the computer they've slipped completely from my mind. It's absolutely maddening. Other times I'll be writing something and I feel like maybe I ought to not be so frank, or "vulgar" or out there I suppose.  Some days my mind is leaping around like a million tiny grasshoppers on caffeine are in there. Yet the second I touch the keyboard my mind is as blank. 

I suppose it's the need to feel like you are posting something relevant. Why? If no one reads it, does that make it less important? No, either way they're still just my thoughts. 

Dig the photo up above? I took it at the border of Quebec and Vermont, where the kindly border guard let  us use his washroom.  A bit cloudy and hazy, took it with my crummy blackberry camera.

Seriously I had no real idea we were even reaching the border, it was just out on a tiny two lane road in piddly squat no-place. So weird! Canaan, that is where we drove through. I would not suggest going that way- However, it was really beautiful, I've never seen  real mountains, nor have I driven through them before. All the ones near here are older mountains, and worn down, less impressive.  -Blue mountains, etc- 

I didn't love coming down the twisty dirt lane my GPS chose, in the pouring rain feeling like the van was going to have the brakes fail and shoot us over the side...but I digress. The view was stunning .

I have seen pictures of the mountains in Banff, etc and those are so ruggedly awesome. The mountains of Vermont and New Hampshire were so green.  I wish we'd had time on the way back home to stop in a few of the Vermont side of the road stops. There were so many scenic opportunity spots- but we had so far to go and we were not getting anywhere fast. Because I'd blown the power steering fluid cable, but didn't yet know it.

Travelling north through NH and VT we ended up suddenly coming upon the border without being aware we were close. Anyone who has crossed at Niagara Falls on a crap day will know why i say I didn't know the border was coming up. One minute I'm on the highway, then suddenly the gates were right there! At Niagara...well, I have been in traffic about a KM from the bridge entrance waiting to get over. I have waited 3 hours to cross going one direction before. Not a treat. More commonly the wait is between 30 minutes to 1 1/2 hours.  So pulling up and going immediately through a one lane the border was a total novelty to me. Word of warning, anyone going the back roads with kids- there are no places to go to the bathroom for literally hours in the backwoods, and not enough room to pull off the road in a van in most places either. Coming back up the more main highway there were several food and toilet options thank goodness!

Anyway again I'm off track and blabbity blabbing.  Coming back we ended up in Stanhope I think it was called. By this time my power steering was screaming so we got gas and fluid and returned to Canada. Where we were lucky enough to immediately come upon this!

http://stansteadstonecircle.org/

considering we went out of our way once on a road trip to see Foamhenge, coming across the stanstead circle at the 45th parallel was a stroke of absolutely weird happenstance!

Twas the Night before Christmas 2011

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, the illness was spreading, to even my spouse. the stockings were slung on the couches with care by two of our kids, (the littlest pair) With his blankie and bucket my husband reclines, while i deal the wrapping, sickies and whines and my own rolling stomach gives me despair i know soon my turn to throw up will be there. Then from upstairs, there arose such a clatter, i sprang from my wrapping to see what was the matter and what to my exhausted eyes should appear a miserable teen with the flu i did fear hunched over a bucket, sweating and shaking this illness was not one she was faking her stomach how it quivered, and her smile, how it wavered, her legs were weak and wobbled like jelly this spread through the house so rapid and quick i`m trying my best not to get sick. now the stockings are stuffed, placed here and there Christmas gifts await them, there`s still time to spare, Now there`s a sound from upstairs, so unhappy, run quick oh lovely, my toddler is also now sick. i just sneak a quick rest-, i`ll just shut off this light merry Christmas to all, please no one else barf tonight!

A morning in the life of uptight boy

I've titled this a morning in the life of, but the reality is, it took only about 15 minutes for him to run the gamut of things to freak out about. These are the things I deal with every morning with him. Sometimes I haven't got the time really, which makes for some bad conflicts and really just slows us down more. Here we go. Me. short on sleep, accidentally fell back asleep after alarm, two teens also overslept due the absence of screaming toddlers acting as alarm clock. Giant pile of dishes cause I had a long council meeting last night and didn't do them when I got home, lunches not made,one child laying on the floor in a blanket claiming to be freezing to death. etc... In the middle of me washing dishes as fast as I can because the lunch containers need to be done, youngest one , my super uptight about everything boy starts to cry- "i'm pooing! " me- you mean peeing? Him, -Yes, it's getting on me! I drop the dish i'm washing and race him upstairs to the potty. It's too late, he has peed in his 'Mater pull up. As I'm pulling the pull up off, i bump his sock, making it slide a smidgen off his foot. Him -HEY! You wrecked my sock! me, "ok, I'm just going to get you new socks and some clothes for today" Taking advantage of his prone position on the toilet, i yank his shirt off and toss his dirty clothes in the hamper. Him, very indignant- I don't want No Shirt! You took my shirt! Me (pulling on his socks) just a sec Him upset- my sock is ruined! (the seam was a millimetre off his toe line. seriously. sadly,-or luckily- I understand how horrid that is.)Me, smoothing it out, nope look it's perfect now. Him, I have no shirt! Me-yes, i'm getting you another one., (which i did lickety split before he could discover the joy of nudity). I opt for his favourite t. Unfortunately I put it on backward. Him, on the verge of hysterical tears now. "it's on wrong, you did it wrong! it's the wrong way, that's not cool dog! " (it has a weiner dog on it, cool dog on front, hot dog on back. sad i know). I get it turned before he can continue in that vein, and slip his pants on before he can notice I got a bit of water on them and get upset about that. Then I go to hurry on with getting everyone else ready, before he can stress about anything else. Does anyone else have a child who is that particular about their clothing and stuff?

November.

Well somehow we are into November and only a few weeks away from Christmas.Yes that high pitched scream of terror really is coming from me. I haven't got any gifts yet. Seriously, this time of year I'm usually done, but having no money is really cutting into my ability to buy gifts for anyone. Lately we have all been blessed with illness. Couple that with the awesome fun prep I'll be doing for a colonoscopy and endoscopy on Monday, and woohoo what a party! Why on earth is the other thing called an endoscopy anyway? That one isn't going in the back door at all. It's one that goes through the upper half right? I think? I could swear that they were talking about swallowing that one. I'm not sure I'll be swallowing anything the way I'm feeling.

Divination by Apples

Way back in the stone ages- (in the 70's and early 80's when I was a kid), there were many tried and true divination methods used for determining your future spouse. Since most of us were saddled with apples in our lunches most of the time, apple prediction became a popular pasttime. The idea was to hold your apple, then turn the stem, with each turn saying one alphabet letter. Then when the stem popped out, that was the first letter of your future partner's first name. No matter what I did, I always managed to get either the Letter E, or the letter C as the first one, and always the letter B . Which bugged me as a child because the only person I knew with the initials EB was my grandfather. Certainly not the boy I had a crush on from SK to Gr6! At any rate, I wrote the whole apple thing off as a fraud. Until grade 10, when I fell in highschool love with a boy who had the initials CB. Ahhh, a match made in heaven! And it lasted right up until the end of the school year. le sigh. Then for over two years I dated a bad letter combo, MH. What on earth I was thinking, I really can't say. I escaped that abuse finally and promptly met a CB- hooray! Sweet guy, tutored me in Math, which I wanted to upgrade. And then he had the nerve to move. Not just to another town, but he moved to Ireland for University. That was back in the days before the computer and the internet. Keeping in touch meant horrid cross atlantic phone calls. We parted as great friends- Then another bad choice ...or a few...then an LB. Pretty close right? L could be mistaken for C if your handwriting was shite and you squinted. That relationship only lasted until third year University, the power of the predicting apples was so strong! Shortly after that one ended, I met a guy, he was a friend of an acquaintance i had met once, my ex-boyfriend's twin brother's ex-girlfriend's ex room mate's friend to be exact- not my type really- His name turned out to be Ed. Last name started with a B. It also turned out his first name on his birth certificate started with a C. So, covering all the bases there, EB, CB. I would like to say, we lived happily ever after-but the apples of my childhood couldn't guarantee that I suppose. We did get married after we knew each other almost 6 weeks. We are still together almost 17 years, and 4 kids later, so hey who knows. maybe those apples knew what they were doing when their little stems twisted off in the E or C spot each time! And no, I didn't plan my life around the apple, it just amuses me that things worked out this way.